During my teenage years a deadly combo wrecked havoc with my soul: social alienation and a pornography addiction.

I lacked sufficient relational skills needed to make new friends. I was a loner and a social misfit in high school. I remained unknown, inconspicuous, and unimportant. A low profile was preferable because it felt safer. My peers wouldn’t have as much material to gossip about me. I was overly self-conscious, socially isolated, and lonely.

Even though being alone felt safe, I was frustrated and angry at myself for not being able to fit in socially. I didn’t know how to cope with the alienation I felt from my peers. At the same time, I started to act on new curiosities I had about sexuality. I don’t think it was coincidence. In my conscience I knew viewing pornography was wrong, but I had discovered an escape from the boring social misfit I had become and hated.

Each time I gave into sexual temptation my conscience was plagued with guilt, shame, and self-condemnation. I felt even less socially confident as a result. I started spiraling downward into more extreme cycles: getting more dependent on porn and brought low by increasing social alienation. In my lows I frequently contemplated suicide, thinking it was my only escape for what felt like a doubly cursed soul.

A soul immune to grace and hope

Years of peer rejection and self-condemnation made me resistant to themes of grace and hope. How could I possibly accept God’s love and forgiveness if I didn’t even feel any love from any human?

I was convinced my social alienation and porn addiction rendered me both unloveable and disqualified to serve God. I was convinced I would never fit in socially anywhere. I felt powerless to stop my porn addiction. My life was mostly misery.

Unexpected attention and affirmation

Then I met Rod Alm. His friendly initiative surprised me. Rod, a Power to Change staff member, had acquired my contact information from a spiritual interest survey I had nervously filled out in my massive first year chemistry class.

He managed to find me at church one day. I had no idea who he was or that he was attending the same church. Being an extremely guarded guy, I was hesitant to accept his invitation to meet him on campus. Only out of fear of offending him did I agree to meet him at the Student Union Building. At that first meeting I found the attention and affirmation that Rod gave me assuring and novel.

It felt safe enough to meet him again. Soon we were meeting regularly. At that time I had extremely low self-esteem. I couldn’t understand why he wanted to spend so much time with me. He used these occasions to patiently remind me of God’s love and forgiveness.

A hardened soul immune to grace

I figured Rod didn’t know just how despicable I was. He didn’t know what a social misfit I had become among my peers. He didn’t know how addicted I was to sexual sin. He couldn’t see the guilt, shame, and self-condemnation that held my conscience captive. He couldn’t hear the suicidal thoughts constantly flowing through my head. I was sure he would reject me and pull away if he was exposed to the depths of my tormented soul.

Since I feared the pain I knew would come if he rejected me, I didn’t dare let him too far into my inner world. But because my troubles were always on the forefront of my mind, a little more of them oozed out every time we met. I revealed just enough to let Rod know why I had a hard time believing God could ever forgive me, let alone love me.

Years of guilt, shame, and self-condemnation had made me resistant to accept God’s love and forgiveness.

Outwardly, I politely nodded in agreement to the same gospel message I had grown up hearing but never seemed to experience. My inner thoughts were anchored in suspicion and doubt. ‘What good was this message if I couldn’t tangibly feel or experience God’s love and forgiveness?” I had already given up hope. I figured I had gone too far out of God’s reach. My guilt and shame was too great. My life too cursed to reverse. God seemed distant, powerless and disinterested in me. I had given up on hope of any intervention and assumed I had to go it alone.

Even so, I desperately wanted to experience God’s love and forgiveness and belong to a community that would accept me. The depths of my heart longed for it.

Rod was persistent in meeting with me despite my pathetic self-perceptions. He consistently reassured me that God’s love and forgiveness was sufficient for me, regardless of how guilty I felt. I was slowly persuaded. He listened to my doubts and faithfully lead me to trust God’s Word, even when I was despondent. By God’s grace the stranglehold of guilt and self-condemnation started to loosen its grip.

Although it freaked me out, I trusted Rod to help me talk with my friends about Jesus. I was surprised God gave me the courage to initiate spiritual discussions. He helped me overcome my fear of rejection, and I even enjoyed articulating my faith, as weak as it was.

I experienced acceptance.

Rod’s encouragement and leading gave me enough social security to meet with other Christians on campus. At his invitation I started to attend a small group Bible study. Those guys showed me the most kindness any male peers had ever shown me. I felt motivated to emulate and commit to their values despite being intimidated by their bold outreach on campus.

By the end of my first year, I didn’t feel like the same person. My priorities had changed. I reoriented my activities to prioritize knowing God and making him known. I was constantly sharing my faith with my friends. I took advantage of every opportunity for training in evangelism, discipleship, and leadership. During Christmas break I attended a Power to Change conference in Minneapolis. That spring I went on a mission trip to Brazil.

For the first time in my life I began to believe that God could work through me despite my deeply broken soul. The outer transformation was radical. But to my dismay, my inner selfishness and brokenness manifested itself in those familiar and sometimes new ways. My sexual addiction still had a death grip on me. I still struggled to fit in socially. I continued to keep my darkest secrets subterranean. There was a deeper brokenness that still needed healing and transformation.

No matter how much I committed myself to serving God it did not dispel the guilt, shame, and self-condemnation that the years of social rejection and pornography addiction had amassed. In fact, I was now tempted to serve God as a way of trying to alleviate my guilt, shame, and self-condemnation.

The havoc of a deadly duo

To this day, I grieve the devastating impact this deadly duo has inflicted on my soul. I can attest to how social alienation fed my addiction and my addiction alienated me more socially.

This deadly combo pulled me into a swirling vortex that became harder and harder to escape. It was a vicious cycle: sexual sin, guilt, shame, self-condemnation, and further social withdrawal. In my case, the social trauma of a move and the resulting alienation seemed to precipitate my porn addiction. I was at a very low point socially and emotionally when I first started to habitually give into sexual temptation. It only started and took root after my family moved to a rural town where I never fit socially. Out of my intense social anxiety I discovered porn was a powerful new way to cope. That is where my addiction to porn started.

I invite you to join me as I unpack my journey to social connection and freedom from porn.

How about you?

I thought my social rejection and porn addiction rendered me unloveable and disqualified from serving God. What do you think disqualifies you from experiencing God’s love or serving him?

It felt like it was a huge risk to meet with Rod and disclose more of myself. I had to overcome my fears of social rejection, guilt and shame. How can you be praying or seeking out someone to help you accept God’s love and forgiveness?

Is there someone in your life who thinks they are beyond the forgiveness and love of Jesus? How can you patiently help them feel and accept God’s love and forgiveness?

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About the Author

Corey Porter

Corey Porter writes creative content for university students on multiple digital domains. His voice has been tempered by twenty four years of ministry experience, both as student and staff. His personal life is kept full serving his wife Peggy and three children in Vancouver. He enjoys sport, art and collectibles.

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