I hate green lights

HOT TAKE

I hate green lights 
I know that doesn’t seem right
Green lights
Are meant to delight,
To excite, to ignite 

But
I still hate green lights
Because they remind me of that night
When I had a green light
And he ran a red

His decision, but now I get fed
Regular simulations in my head
Of almost ending up dead
Memories of a blur
Wondering How did this occur?
I had a green light!

Green light equals Go
Green light equals
A small reason to celebrate 
After a bad date
Or a beacon of hope that for once 
You won’t be late
But now they aggravate 
My mental mental state
At every green light 
I have to fight 
Worrying about another reckless driver
My righteous reward as an accident survivor

PTSD

I still remember when my therapist 
Said that to me
And just being like Oh
Thankful for this clarity
Yet feeling a new gravity
Grasping the true toll
Of the heaviness in my soul
Grasping why I’m so hard to console

Also stepping back to discern 
That I’ll have to unlearn
Or take a U-turn
From the map I’m using
Have to learn to love process
As much as I love quick answers from Google
Learning life isn’t as instant as my noodles
That there is progress and transformation
Though it may not be clear to my imagination

Learning to love not only the video that plays 
But also the one that is buffering
As a beautiful reminder of patience in suffering
Learning God is God in the chaos and when the dust settles
The God of victory is also God when the lament wrestles
God whose goodness is the green light and who’s good in the red light

Red Lights to pause and receive the intersection I’m in
And not let my mind hit a tailspin
Red Lights tell my heart Don’t beat so fast
That this panic-stricken moment won’t last
Red Lights to breathe and leave accidents in the past
Red lights to remember that stillness can be more freeing than speed.