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On the edge of a breakthrough

Apr 24, 2019 | Shams Siddiqi

How do we capture the emotions of our experience?

I love researching and writing about God’s mission and truth. But papers and prose, in general, are not great at capturing emotions. So how can I express my emotions in a healthy way, especially when there are many unconstructive and unhealthy ways to do it?

Art is one way we can do this. And yet, I, like many others, am not accustomed to using the right hemisphere of my brain! Art is a means by which we can express emotions in a constructive and reflective way that utilizes the gifts that God has given us. Yet, many may not think they can do art. “I cannot sing, draw, paint, play an instrument, etc.” are some common responses I hear about art.

I get that. I cannot sing (although I try to rap sometimes in the shower). I cannot paint, and I cannot play an instrument. But, I have been more emotional lately. Maybe it’s because I am in my last year of university, I am grieving loss, and find myself in a time of transition into a new season.

Recently, I have found solace in poetry. I love it because I do not need to focus on making it sound intelligent. Instead I merely try to make it capture my emotions in a beautiful way. I am still learning and growing in poetry, seeking advice and correcting accordingly. But, I am trying, and it has helped me to express my emotions constructively instead of bottling it up or expressing it in unhealthy ways.

I hope poetry can be a canvas for my heart.

The following is a poem I wrote in reflection of the three fears mentioned in the Renegotiating Faith study (on delayed adulthood and identity formation): fear of missing out, fear of passionless monotony, and the fear of not being amazing. My poem hopefully expresses my emotions and the hope of Jesus amidst these fears.

 

I am on the edge of a breakthrough,

But I am held back by fear.

A fear of no career;

No career that satisfies the soul.

I am unqualified for the exciting roles.

There is no passion here.

 

I am on the edge of a breakthrough,

But I am held back by love.

A love to be loved.

Loved by all, but there will be no ring.

I treat all relationships like a fling.

There is no passion here.

 

I am on the edge of a breakthrough,

But I am held back by thoughts.

Thoughts that are fraught.

Fraught by hopelessness, unworthiness, and being alone.

Will I ever be fully known?

There is no passion here.

 

I am on the edge of a breakthrough,

But when I look over the edge

I can see the bottom.

A bottom of constant striving with no joy.

What can fill this abyss of my heart?

There is no passion here.

 

I am on the edge of a breakthrough.

I see another ledge.

A ledge marked by an empty cross.

From the bottomless depths I hear,

“Come lose yourself and find it here”.

There may be passion here.

 

I am on the edge of a breakthrough.

The Son of Man, from the depths, He draws near.

“I will fall with you,” He says, “no need to fear.”

I hear the dead worship and mute speak.

These depths seem more exciting than any peak.

There may be passion here.

 

We are on the edge of a breakthrough.

Jesus is over the edge waiting for you.

All the words He says are true.

I am in awe of His fame.

Yet He knows me by name.

There is passion here.

 

We are on the edge of a breakthrough.

Jesus says, “Come fall with me”.

Will you jump?

About the Author

Shams Siddiqi

Shams is a student at Redeemer University College and is finishing his B.A. in Urban and Intercultural Ministry. He is passionate about church planting and missiology. He got connected to Power to Change through his twin brother.

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