I’ve always wanted a husband. Someone who loves God as much as I do, maybe even more. Some people might argue that I’m able to serve God more freely without one. However, I know that marriage is God’s design, and it has always been my dream to share my life with someone. Ever since I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a wife. Lots of young women feel this way, but my story is a bit different because I have a physical disability called cerebral palsy, which confines me to a wheelchair.
My dreams of romance started when I was in grade two. However, the real story begins when I was in grade eight. There was this blond boy whom everybody liked. Usually, I only like tall, dark, and handsome guys, but this guy was just really, really nice. I didn’t know how to get him to notice me. So I did things my own way. My gym class had to do a square dance in front of the whole school—including me in my walker. Being naive, I eagerly asked him to be my partner for the dance. He reluctantly agreed. I was overjoyed when he said yes. I really thought he liked me back. In hindsight, I think he was just being nice. He usually talked with his friends and other girls, but not to me. After the dance, I thanked him for being my partner and we went our separate ways.
Since I’m in my late twenties now, I’ve watched many of my friends and even some of my crushes get married. I sometimes wonder if people forget that I might be a romantic too, even though I’m not like most people. Some people seem to assume that I don’t have human feelings because I look and sound different. To tell you the truth, this is why I find it hard and scary to get too close to the boys I really like. They always move on with their lives, forgetting me in my wheelchair.
For instance, I had a crush on this one guy I met at church. He has this smile that can draw you in, even if you’re in a bad mood. He has a kind heart and loves the Lord. We became close friends. Too close. It was like a brother-sister relationship. Even though he didn’t say it, I think he knew that I liked him. I’m always afraid that I’ll say something silly or something I don’t mean. So I expressed my feelings through my actions, not my words. Since then, I’ve learned that I have to be myself and not what I think a guy wants me to be. But at the time, I wanted to be what he wanted.
When he started to date someone else and later became engaged, I was heartbroken. He saw me as a friend, nothing more. Even though there is nothing wrong with that, it still stung. Being the good friend that I am, I supported him by attending his wedding. It was the hardest but the best thing I’ve ever done. It taught me that God is with me no matter what. He helped me obey his command in John 13:34 to “love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” True, I was jealous, but I wasn’t alone. God was with me through it all! I’ve learned that God cares about every area in my life, including my desire for a husband.
I’ve learned that God cares about every area in my life, including my desire for a husband.
Sometimes I wonder if marriage is even in God’s plan for me. Fortunately, my parents support my dream of getting married. My dad says he needs a young man to lift me out of my wheelchair because he’s getting too old for the job! But whatever happens, I believe that God will support me. He only wants me to trust him. This makes all the difference. I have a trustworthy God and I have experienced his faithfulness. That’s why I praise him even when I feel like I’m alone!
I have human feelings, even if I’m in a wheelchair. To tell you the truth, there are times when I feel lonely. Especially when my support worker is busy or when people don’t take the time to listen to what I have to say. This is when I want to have a boyfriend or husband to talk with. Even when I feel alone, God reminds me of Psalm 139:8 which says, “If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!’’ The psalmist knew he wasn’t alone and he could trust God with his life. As a result, he praised God for his faithfulness. I want to have that attitude of praise too.