My teenage identity was ravaged by a deadly combo: social alienation and a porn addiction. As a consequence, my soul seemed beyond grace and hope. I was convinced my social alienation and porn addiction rendered me both unloveable and disqualified to serve God.
I was unable to stabilize my emotions. I craved exhilarating highs and resented debilitating lows. My soul was in such a wretched state that suicide seemed my only way of escape from years of guilt, shame, and self-condemnation. I was alone and without hope.
An awkward first confession
My social experience was about to change in university. For the first time in my young adult life, I started to experience authentic Christian friendship. My new friends at Power to Change – Students (P2C) showed me unconditional acceptance and kindness despite my social dysfunction. They patiently assured me of God’s love and forgiveness even when I started to confess my darkest secret—struggles with sexual sin.
All of this was good, but a growing tension vexed my conscience. How could I proceed to serve God in a ministry that shared God’s love and forgiveness with others when I continued to hide the extent of my sexual sin from others? I felt ashamed by my lack of integrity. I felt compelled to confess to someone. I had to take a risk.
I took a deep breath and pushed through an invisible wall of shame. With trembling I faced the possibility of rejection. For the first time I confessed my sexual sin to a trustworthy Christian friend. He listened to my confession, as awkward as it was for both of us.
Surprised by grace
To my surprise, he neither judged me nor condemned me. Not only that, he reciprocated and confessed his own struggles with sexual sin. I had never experienced that depth of vulnerability, forgiveness, and acceptance. I never knew such friendship could exist.
My confession seemed to alleviate my guilt. I was surprised by the cleansing I felt. Hope for healing and change was kindled. I took more risks to confess my sexual sin to trustworthy friends. Each subsequent confession was equally awkward but just as liberating for my soul.
Each time I confessed my sin to a friend the allure of porn lost more power and I felt more connected socially. Stepping into the space of vulnerability with safe people decreased my social alienation which slowly began to loosen the hold that porn had over me. Confession allowed the light and warmth of the gospel to shine in what little cracks existed in the layers of my hardened heart.
Without knowing it, I began to experience the promise of James 5:16 (ESV).
“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”
This verse confirmed that I needed to make confession and accountability to trusted Christian friends a priority of my life. What about you? Are you willing to do what it takes? Here is what it took for me.
Infrequent confession didn’t bring true healing
These first confessions were a step in the right direction. But my confessions were too infrequent and certainly didn’t generate sufficient power to stop my addiction. Confessing one time to a friend was hard enough. It was much more difficult and shameful for me to consider confessing the chronic nature of my addiction time and time again to the same friends. At best, I only felt safe enough to confess my sin to a few trusted peers once in awhile but without much follow up.
That kept me mostly hiding my sin and feeling guilty for it. But even worse, keeping my sexual sins in the dark kept me from experiencing healing. I lived in guilt, alienated from the forgiveness and love of God and my friends. Hiding each sexual sin not only deepened my guilt, shame, and self-condemnation, it made me want to pull away from social interactions all the more.
Despite the grace my friends extended me, their love and forgiveness couldn’t penetrate the deeper subterranean layers of guilt, shame, and self-condemnation. As long as my confession was only partial and infrequent, there was no way it would have the power to blast apart the stronghold of guilt, shame, and self-condemnation.
Thus, below the surface appearance of a budding ministry, my addiction and social alienation remained intact. The degree to which I confessed my sexual sin was the degree to which I experienced healing, forgiveness, and social connection. Confession and prayer grew my resistance to temptation. The degree to which I refused to confess my sexual sin was the degree to which I experienced social alienation.
“The degree to which I confessed my sexual sin was the degree to which I experienced healing, forgiveness, and social connection. Confession and prayer grew my resistance to temptation. The degree to which I refused to confess my sexual sin was the degree to which I experienced social alienation.”
Corey Porter
An arsenal of confession
What my soul needed was constant engagement in confession. Several years later I took a greater step of vulnerability. I gathered friends in my life who also desired frequent confession, accountability, and prayer. We researched and then secured materials that would lead us in recovery and a deeper lifestyle of confession.
Although awkward and scary, we soon learned to be more vulnerable than we ever wanted. At one point the material required each of us to confess our history of sexual sin to one another. It was one of the most humbling things any of us had ever done. But when it was all out and each person forgiven and prayed for, we felt the healing power of confessing our sin to one another.
As I got into regular and consistent accountability I finally found the confession, forgiveness, and social acceptance I needed to wage war on my guilt, shame, and self-condemnation. As I confessed the repetitive nature of my sin I experienced more social connection. I had more power to say no to porn. The power of forgiveness and acceptance from God and my brothers started to change my heart.
Confession 2.0
Sadly our group disbanded. I wasn’t prepared to start over. I assumed that once I started these times of weekly confession, they would continue indefinitely. Although the group lasted a couple of years, it broke up after friends moved to different cities.
It was a deflating season for me. I fell back into hiding my sin. It took so much courage to be just as vulnerable with other friends that I didn’t have that depth and history of confession with. Now I had to start over. I didn’t know where to start. I felt myself give up for a time. But that meant I was alone again in this battle.
It took a few months and the rebuke of a friend to jar me out of my isolation and apathy. I started to talk to other friends and this time I helped form two groups. I felt like I had to develop a culture where vulnerability for men was valued.
Benefits of confession outweigh any shame
Porn addiction doesn’t die easily. Any person who has habitually exposed themselves to porn will struggle to get free. But being honest about my porn addiction with other friends not only dramatically increased my social connection but gave life to my spirit and freed me up to serve God. These small group confessions became the primary means that I experienced God’s love and forgiveness. Over the years I have journeyed with many friends to experience God’s love and forgiveness, simply by confessing our struggles with sexual sin. The more that I resisted porn, the more I could love and serve others.
When I confessed my sexual sin to trusted friends
Here are some things I experienced:
- I grew in confidence that God loves and forgives me at my worst. I experienced healing and cleansing when friends expressed their forgiveness and support. I was becoming more free from guilt, shame, and self-condemnation.
- It forced me to be humble and honest about my failures, and safeguarded me against spiritual pride. It helped me grow in integrity instead of hypocrisy. It saved me from a path of successful ministry with a dying spiritual core.
- I knew I wasn’t alone. I had friends who could identify with my weaknesses and failures. They forgave and loved me. I knew they had my back in support and prayer.
- It forced me to confess quickly and kept me from hiding.
- It increased connection with friends and freedom from porn.
- It has kept me on journey with friends for the long haul. I formed deep bonds of fellowship and trust.
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