God has both blessed and challenged me through countless spiritual conversations. But navigating spiritual conversation doesn’t always come easily. Over the years, I have relied on two simple but effective tools to kindle spiritual conversation and keep it going.
We had just set up Soularium in the Walter Gage Residence at the University of British Columbia (UBC). Soularium displays multiple postcard-sized images to stimulate spiritual discussion. Students were curious and started to approach the display.
I noticed a young woman looking at the photos and asked her the question,
“What photo best represents your view of God?”
In an abrupt gesture, she pointed towards a graveyard scene. I could see she was emotionally charged. Although I was hesitant to ask more—for fear of unlocking a torrent of emotion—I was very curious to know why she chose that particular photo. “Why did you choose that one?” I asked.
“God is death!” She blurted out.
She proceeded to express one objection after another, justifying her disbelief in God emphatically. Her body language indicated intense rage and her words matched it. After giving me an earful, she stopped to see my reaction.
Will I get defensive or will I seek to understand the story behind her objections?
I immediately suspected there must have been some negative experience fueling her anger. Instead of being lured into a debate with her objections, I took a different approach. I asked her,
“You seem to have a lot of strong negative emotion toward God. What happened that caused you to have such negative emotions?”
It soon became apparent that my suspicions were right. Her story slowly revealed the sources of her resentment towards God. She told me how she had pleaded with God for her father’s life, but he had still died of cancer.
I felt her pain. I could more clearly see her struggle to trust God. I tried to express my sympathy. But that was only part of the story.
“God took away my boyfriend as well!”
I was confused and asked to clarify, “What do you mean by ‘God took away’…?” She shared how her boyfriend had recently become a Christian and broke up with her because of his new faith. She was angry at God for taking away the two most important men in her life.
I affirmed that what she had gone through was heavy. I could now more fully understand why she said “God is death!” I was careful to remain calm and reassure her that I was not taken aback by her objections and disillusionment.
Care, kindness, gentleness, and curiosity
Amazingly, my response seemed to disarm her. Perhaps she could see my genuine concern for her and was drawn deeper into the conversation. Perhaps she had expected a heated argument, but instead I allowed her space to vent. At that point, she wanted to talk more. She confessed she had never been in a conversation like this.
We had to take down the display because our allotted time was up. In amongst the packing she continued to talk with me. In fact, she talked as the group walked to the bus loop. Through this initial conversation she connected with others in the group, and had many follow-up conversations. I was so thankful I had developed the art of asking questions and active listening. These skills completely changed the direction and tone of the conversation.
The two invisible tools
ONE: Question skills
What questions will you use to discover what your friends believe and why?
Brainstorm some questions you can use:
- as conversation starters
- to clarify what and why they believe what they believe
- to challenge their assumptions
- to discern their openness
TWO: Listening skills
How can you make sure you are attentive and curious when listening?
As you listen, it can inform how you proceed in a tactful direction for the discussion.
What are their verbal and nonverbal cues?
- What is the tone of his/her voice?
- What is his/her body language telling me?
- What are the emotions behind the words they are telling you?
- Could the objections be hiding other issues?
Take a moment before you begin
Do you know the backstory of person that you are sharing the gospel with? If you don’t, you could take the conversation in a damaging direction. Without knowing where your friend is at, you will not be able to meet them at their point of need and could potentially hinder their progress in discovering Jesus.
Learn how to discern where your friend is at by asking good questions and listening attentively.
Consider your friend: sit down and try to figure out what you do know. Try to piece together what their worldview is. Write it out as if you were writing a report. What are questions or objections they have? Write down questions that you can ask that will bring more clarity.
Lord, help us to ask good questions that will give us insight into our friend’s lives so that we may know what the real issues are behind their objections and questions. Amen.
To grow your listening and question skills:
Ask a trusted friend for feedback
“Can you give me some feedback? What is one thing you see I do really well in conversation? What is one thing you think I could improve upon in conversation?”
Images:
“Soularium” by Lily Doucet
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